What To Do About Annoying Friends
Question:
I find my wife’s friend annoying. The four of us often go out as couples, but I don’t enjoy these get-togethers. What should I do?
Answer:
Willingness to sacrifice and compromise is a hallmark of partnership, whether in marriage, business, or politics (one can dream…). Spending time with people you don’t like is one of those sacrifices. Whether the people you have to spend time with are family members, friends, or colleagues – married persons have to endure some discomfort or “annoyance” for the sake of their spouse. But you can minimize that discomfort. Is this a childhood friend who your wife has known and loved since before you knew her? Is she a newer friend?
If this is a childhood friend, it will be difficult for you to avoid the get-togethers completely, especially if these double dates have been occurring for the duration of your relationship. If it is a newer friend, it is advisable to be honest with your wife and set personal boundaries as soon as possible, especially since your current arrangement seems to be uncomfortable for you. Perhaps suggest that your wife and her friend go out for girls nights more frequently than you double date.
Presuming these get-togethers cannot be avoided altogether, I advise you to plan ahead and set boundaries in order to make the night as enjoyable as possible. Try to adjust the situation to reduce the chances you’ll be annoyed. Decide with your wife how often you will get together with that couple and how many hours you will spend with them. Consider your location. A restaurant can be advantageous because there is a relatively clear beginning and end. You might opt for one that provides distraction from any single member of the group and takes the pressure off maintaining continuous conversation (e.g., hibachi, fondue). Occasionally do activities that allow your wife and her friend to split off on their own. Always make your intended departure time clear at the beginning of the night, perhaps commenting that you have to get home for the babysitter or for work. Try to plan these dates for weeknights in order to reduce the chance of going past your desired ending time.
You can also try to think about your interactions differently. What is it about your wife’s friend that you find so annoying? Why is it causing you so much discomfort? Are you doing anything that might inadvertently reinforce or encourage the annoying behavior? Try to find some common ground and focus your interactions there. Perhaps this friend does something interesting for work or you both have children or pets or a mutually-enjoyed activity such as sports or watching certain TV shows. Think ahead about these commonalities so you can be prepared for conversation. If there truly isn’t a shared interest, remember that you are doing a favor to your wife and that she appreciates it. These kinds of events will likely occur throughout both your lives and it is nice to have someone who you can count on to be there with you.
Jaime earned her doctorate in Clinical Psychology from Yeshiva University. She currently works in a private practice in NYC doing psychotherapy and career counseling. In addition to providing general psychological services, Jaime has extensive experience working with individuals of all ages on the autism spectrum. She lives in Hartsdale. (Advice given in Ask Jaime is not intended to be a substitute for individual psychotherapy.)
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