Strengths-Based Parenting: Finding the Right Balance
There have been debates in past years regarding when and how much children should be praised. While schools are constantly ranking students, they have simultaneously adopted the notion that competitions are bad and every child should be praised and awarded. Parents too, often praise children to demonstrate support and to promote self-esteem. But what effect is this general praise actually having on children?
There has been a lot of research on this topic. Carol Dweck in particular has studied the way praise affects children’s motivation and self-concept of ability. One of the most intriguing findings concerned the effect of calling a child smart as opposed to praising specific efforts. Surprisingly, children who were called smart and had an image of themselves as smart actually put less effort into tasks. They seemed to have attributed their success to a natural ability more than effort, and they were more likely to work for the sake of praise alone. This pattern of behavior was shown to become engrained, actually affecting brain chemistry. In addition, generically praised children feared having their image tarnished, so they tended to experience anxiety and low confidence in their abilities when facing challenging tasks.
Of course, it is natural for parents to want to recognize their children’s achievements and many parents are dismissive when they hear that praise can have a negative effect. At the same time, however, parents want their children to feel good about themselves and to learn about what they do well and why. Parents want their children to be persistent learners. It is important for children to learn that they need to put effort into developing natural abilities and also into tasks that do not come naturally. The way to encourage that is through praising specific efforts.
I am a strong advocate of strength-based approaches to therapy, parenting, and even marriage. Following through on day-to-day commitments can be challenging but it often leads to the most positive outcomes. Every person, child and adult alike, has strengths and weaknesses, and strengths can be capitalized upon to help compensate for weaknesses. If a child is a visual learner, for example, but has difficulty with math, visual aids can be utilized assist with math problems. Praise efforts and the ability to apply strategies for problem solving. As a result, the child will learn to associate success with successful strategy application rather than casting off a specific subject as a weakness in general. Acknowledging such efforts should lead to future efforts instead of having a child feel unsuccessful because something was initially difficult.
Another thing to consider is the way parents and children respond to making mistakes. Mistakes should be viewed as learning opportunities. Again, mistakes provide a chance for children to consider different approaches to tasks. There are many ways to get something right, and it is OK for children to be creative and learn about the best individualized strategy for success. Parents can help children with this, and they can model the right way to handle frustrations. It is important for children to understand that some things come easier than others, but most things require effort, persistence, and the ability to start over and learn from mistakes. When children learn that attributes such as persistence are the road to “smartness,” they are more likely to try hard at all tasks, to be successful, and to feel better about themselves overall.
Jaime earned her Doctorate in Clinical Psychology from Yeshiva University. She works in a private practice in NYC doing psychotherapy and evaluations. Jaime’s specialty is in working with individuals of all ages on the autism spectrum. www.spectrumservicesnyc.com. JaimeBlackPsyD@gmail.com. (914)712-8208.
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