Interfaith Families: Navigating the Holiday Season
The holiday season can be a lot of fun, but it can also be tricky for interfaith families. Many couples successfully navigate their cultural differences before having children, but parenthood causes a shift in the established balance. Suddenly choices have to be made on behalf of a child. While there is no perfect formula for making holidays run smoothly, there are some ways to facilitate enjoyment, appreciation, and respect for cultural differences.
The best way to avoid conflict is to decide in advance how you want to raise your children. But establishing a cultural and religious identity for your family is an ongoing process. Don Rosenberg, a psychologist who works with many interfaith and intercultural families, recommends that parents who have conflicting opinions about the religious training of their children should talk often in order to anticipate issues that are likely to arise – religious ceremonies, holidays, religious education, values, in-law relations and even burials. “By anticipating, you allow yourself time to explore the alternatives,” he says. If there is conflict, ask yourself which traditions and holidays you can revise or live without. Make room for new experiences and be willing to compromise.
“There’s really no single way to celebrate [holidays] because every family situation is different,” says June Horowitz, an associate professor in the psychiatric-mental health department at Boston College’s School of Nursing who leads counseling groups and workshops for interfaith families. She suggests avoiding competition and incorporating aspects of both cultures into holidays. It is OK to have a Christmas tree and to light a menorah, even if you have decided to raise your children according to one religion. Horowitz uses the “birthday analogy.” For instance, if Mom is Jewish but Dad is Christian and wants a Christmas tree, tell your child that the tree is to help Dad celebrate his holiday. You can give presents and sing songs with the goal of having Dad enjoy his day. “I encourage families to participate in family traditions,” says Horowitz. “A Jewish child learning about Christmas is not going to change his identity.”
Despite the challenges, there are many unique advantages to growing up in a bicultural home. Children have the opportunity to practice various interesting customs, they might learn multiple languages, and they learn to be tolerant and curious about other people’s cultures and differences. Dugan Ramano, author of Intercultural Marriage: Promises and Pitfalls, finds that when you talk openly with children about cultures, involve them in positive experiences, and avoid negative comments, children develop a sense of identity and become more self-confident. When parents model flexibility in their approach to culture and holidays, they promote open-mindedness in their children. It is important for children to learn that all cultures have something valuable to offer.
Dr. Jaime Black is a licensed psychologist practicing in Westchester and New York City. In addition to providing general mental health services, Jaime works with individuals of all ages on the autism spectrum, doing psychotherapy, conducting evaluations, and facilitating social skills groups. Visit www.spectrumservicesnyc.com, e-mail JaimeBlackPsyD@gmail.com or call (914)712-8208
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