Home for the Holidays: Navigating Complicated Relationships
In magazines, holidays are picture perfect. The idyllic image of a big, attractive, happy family surrounding a table filled with a golden turkey, stuffing, and a plethora of other food is often portrayed. As many families know, however, holidays can be quite stressful. And they are upon us this week.
The question of where a holiday will be located is typically the first big decision that has to be made. It can be impossible to accommodate all family members, which can cause strain on relationships. When different family members are hosting in different locations, attending one may lead to disappointment from the other. Traveling is also strenuous and expensive, especially in families with multiple children. Pets can be an additional inconvenience. Once extended families are together, old family dynamics have the habit of resurfacing. Adult children may find themselves reverting to old – even childish – patterns of interacting. With all these logistical and familial stressors, it is no wonder that the picture perfect holiday simply is not the reality for many people.
There are steps we can take to prepare ourselves for holiday gatherings. For one, when anxious, note the specific thoughts going through your mind rather than experiencing anxiety as purely physiological. Think about the triggers – what in the past has caused discomfort at family gatherings that led to childlike reactions? If we remember our triggers beforehand, they are less likely to catch us off guard. We can try to prepare reactions that prevent those common triggers from escalating conversations into arguments. Being proactive in terms of strategizing is kind of like relapse prevention for the holidays.
Dr. Ellen Weber Libby, author of The Favorite Child, asserts that families can grow closer during holidays rather than create more tension in uneasy relationships. She suggests that in the event of an argument, being respectful by listening to the other side and having the goal be resolution instead of winning is critical. She further states that confronting an issue while in close proximity lessens the potential for resentments to grow over time.
While Dr. Libby’s suggestions are useful for handling disagreements with certain family members, resolution is not possible with all. With certain relatives, an argument might not even be the problem. We simply have difficulty tolerating their personalities. They make irritating, hurtful, or inappropriate comments, and we know that confronting them about it will get us nowhere. It is easy to become defensive and/or competitive with these individuals. This is where that preparation can come in handy. Whatever works for each of us – taking a deep breath, excusing ourselves for a moment, or changing the subject – can be appropriate and effective. Engaging with children and their activities is also a great distraction.
Relatives know how to push our buttons. Many of them knew us before we knew ourselves. Some have preconceived notions about our role in the family, and even when we attempt to take on different roles, whether intentional or not, some family members will perpetually place us back into our old roles. It can be unnerving and push us to react out of frustration instead of love. The best we can do is to recognize the part we play in the cycle and actively try to minimize the negativity. Even in the most cantankerous of families, members have relatives or friends they can rely on to make the time better.
Jaime earned her Doctorate in Clinical Psychology from Yeshiva University. She works in a private practice in NYC doing psychotherapy and evaluations. Jaime’s specialty is in working with individuals of all ages on the autism spectrum. www.spectrumservicesnyc.com. JaimeBlackPsyD@gmail.com. (914)712-8208.
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