Doing it Your Way: No Apologies Necessary
Question from Linda Rey:
I’m a single female with no children, no pets, fake plants and I own a business with my sister. I’ve been out of a serious relationship for 3 years. I dedicate a lot of my time to business & social networking. I enjoy it, I’m good at it and have made a comfortable living at it. Overall, I feel incredibly fortunate, have no regrets and have a blast. Why do I feel that I have to make excuses about my lifestyle when people comment on how busy I am?
Answer from Jaime…
It sounds like you have a lot of positive things going on in your life. You are an entrepreneur who gets to work with chosen family, you are good at your job, and you get security and satisfaction out of your life. There are plenty of people who who are completely content with being responsible for only themselves and their work. It sounds like that’s where you are right now. Unfortunately, there exist certain social conventions which can put pressure on people who don’t meet them to explain why.
However, the question remains – Why do you feel you have to make excuses? What goes through your mind when you are asked questions about your lifestyle? Do you anticipate these questions when meeting only certain people? What do you think people are expecting you to say? Are you afraid of being embarrassed or of the way people might perceive you if you answer accurately? Lastly, is this feeling of having to make excuses happening only recently?
I suggest that you think about your answers to those questions and try to figure out whether you are making excuses due to external pressures or to internal desires that you might not be allowing yourself to address. If you figure out that you are truly happy where you are right now, embrace it! Maybe devise a short elevator speech or script in response to uncomfortable (and possibly intrusive) questions.
There are many famous women who have lived engaging and rewarding single lives. Look at Susan B. Anthony, Dorothea Dix and, more recently, Sonia Sotomayor, and Patricia Clarkson. If you decide that there are certain internal conflicts regarding your lifestyle, then maybe think about where you are headed. There is always time to find companionship. Gloria Steinem didn’t get married until she was 66 years old! In the end, it is your life and you have a right to be proud of all you have accomplished in your career. You said you’ve had no regrets thus far, which means you have nothing to apologize for. However, if these thoughts are creeping up more readily lately, I simply suggest that you take a look at what they mean to you right now and see if they are informative in any way.
Jaime earned her doctorate in Clinical Psychology from Yeshiva University. She currently works in a private practice in NYC doing psychotherapy and career counseling. In addition to providing general psychological services, Jaime has extensive experience working with individuals of all ages on the autism spectrum. She lives in Hartsdale.
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