Parenting Children who Struggle with Sexuality
October was bullying awareness month, and devastating stories about children as young as ten taking their own lives covered the news. Children are bullied for a variety of unfortunate reasons, but LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered, and Questioning) children too often are the targets. It is challenging for parents to intervene at school and often they are not even aware that bullying is taking place. On the other hand, in families of an LGBTQ child, sometimes the bullying takes place at home in overt or subtle ways. It is common for parents to have trouble accepting that their child is not straight. For most, it is a process. However, it is important for all parents to consider this issue early on. The way parents respond when their child comes out is critical in determining how happy, healthy, and successful the child will be.
The fantastic new documentary, LEAD with Love, shares families’ stories about their journeys with acceptance, clears up common misperceptions about LGBTQs, and provides tips for parents to make their own mental transition smoother while supporting their children. The psychologists in the film take an empathic approach towards struggling parents and children and offer concrete, research-based advice. They accept that parents’ struggles typically come from a place of caring – they fear that their child will be discriminated against.
It is important to know the facts about sexual identity. First, sexual orientation is not a choice. Think of the flipside. If a straight man were asked if his straightness was a choice, he would say no. Second, there is no evidence that parents cause homosexuality. Sexual orientation is a result of biological, environmental, and genetic factors. Allowing a boy to play with dolls, for example, will not cause him to become gay. Third, contrary to popular belief, many religions accept homosexuality and err on the side of being inclusionary rather than exclusionary. Lastly and most importantly, sexual orientation is not an illness, therefore there is no treatment. All major reputable medical organizations state that therapy aimed at reversing homosexuality is harmful and ineffective. The idea that one can, for instance, “pray the gay away” is ridiculous and destructive.
According to LEAD with Love, parents can effectively help their LGBTQ child adjust and live a fulfilled life by following LEAD: Let your affection show, Express your pain away from your child, Avoid rejecting behaviors, Do good before you feel good. Children want approval from their parents and will notice any changes in affection as a result of coming out. They need to feel that they are loved for who they are. Sexual identity is only one part of a whole identity. With regards to expressing pain, parents have a right to process the information and talk about their concerns. However, they should find an appropriate confidant.
Avoiding rejecting behaviors is paramount. Children who are rejected by their parents as a result of sexual orientation are eight times more likely to commit suicide and three times more likely to use illegal drugs. They are also significantly more likely to suffer from depression than children who were not rejected. Without parental support, children feel alone. They are forced to either lie about who they are in their homes or lose the source of love and support they have had their entire lives. Some say either option is unimaginable and begin to see suicide as a reasonable alternative.
Lastly, do good before you feel good. Discovering a big new part of your child’s identity can be shocking, and adjusting is a process that can take years. However, in the meantime, if children are treated as outcasts – if they are not receiving love, respect, and affection – the consequences can be devastating and irreversible. One parent in the film lost a child to suicide. She had nothing but regrets about how she handled her child’s admission.
Bullying in schools and on the internet is a real problem that needs to be addressed. But even more important is the way children are treated in the home. Home should be a supportive environment where family members strive to respect and tolerate one another’s differences. Particularly with a population of children who already experience intolerance in their school, it is critical that parents do the best they can to support their children at home.
Jaime earned her Doctorate in Clinical Psychology from Yeshiva University. She works in a private practice doing psychotherapy and evaluations. Jaime’s specialty is in working with individuals of all ages on the autism spectrum. www.spectrumservicesnyc.com. JaimeBlackPsyD@gmail.com. (914)712-8208.
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