Parenting Pep Talk: The 4 Worst Things to Say to a Suffering Loved One
In this month’s issue of Psychology Today, Andrea Bonior, Ph.D., author of The Friendship Fix, describes the worst things to say to a friend who is suffering. These platitudes, she says, may make matters worse even though the urge to use them may be strong. The same applies to when we are talking to our children. If you are mindful about what you say you are less likely to confuse or anger your loved ones and more likely to be helpful, as intended. Here are four things to avoid saying to friends or children and suggestions for what to say instead.
“I know how you feel.” Whether you are talking to a friend or a child, be careful to avoid turning someone else’s problem into a chance to talk about yourself. Even if you’ve been through similar circumstances, other factors are at play that makes how you felt and coped different from how another person might. Age, psychological characteristics, situational characteristics, and a host of other variables can affect how each individual handles struggles. It’s great to empathize and relate to other people’s challenges, but validate their feelings before assuming you know exactly how they feel.
“This is God’s plan.” This remark can be confusing for some and infuriating for many. Children in particular may not understand why exactly God would plan for them to bear such adverse circumstances and to feel so helpless and sad. If these beliefs bring a friend peace, allow her to share that with you, but avoid offering it up on your own. You might come off like you think you’ve got fate all figured out.
“If you need anything, give me a call.” Don’t put the burden on the sufferer to come to you for help. This line offers a friend a vague promise of help, but you are better off offering tangible help, for example, asking if she’d like you to pick up her kids up after school or to do some food shopping for her. When it comes to your own children, don’t wait for them to come to you if you know something is going on. Talk to them about what they need from you. This is especially important if you are a parent who does not live with your children.
“…” Saying nothing at all can be the worst thing you can do to a friend or a child who is dealing with adversity. People are often scared of saying the wrong thing and, especially when it comes to subjects like dating and sex, parents can be afraid of handling a subject all-wrong. Saying nothing, however, can be painful and leave children feeling confused and left alone to jump to their own conclusions. Don’t wait for them to come to you. When in doubt ask questions and let your loved one explain their feelings to you.
Dr. Jaime Black is a licensed psychologist practicing in Westchester and New York City. Jaime works with high-functioning individuals on the autism spectrum, doing psychotherapy, conducting evaluations, and facilitating various socialization groups including an improv social skills group. Visit www.spectrumservicesnyc.com, e-mail JaimeBlackPsyD@gmail.com or call (914)712-8208.
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